It can be very helpful for parents to hear that while their senior might benefit from a (very) occasional reminder about deadlines, parents are exquisitely valuable to their senior in a different way. They are a uniquely qualified resource for an adolescent considering what he or she might want in a college education, with their unrivalled knowledge of the child’s unique interests, strengths, and needs. Parents are the keepers of great wisdom about their children’s gifts, and this perspective can be invaluable as seniors try to think through what they hope to get out of 4 years of hard work and great expense. And this expense matters, too. Parents also should be available to help their children consider what different school packages will cost, and honestly talk through what it will take to pay off these loans. These are difficult matters, but ones they are unlikely to consider deeply with peers or in leafing through the U.S. News college rankings. Yet how much debt they hold when they graduate will have enormous implications for their life’s path.
Some parents may be anxious that their son or daughter "just doesn’t care," and they are constantly nagging or simply doing all the preparation themselves, out of concern that otherwise it won’t happen. For these parents, you might gently suggest that when they hold so much anxiety, their child doesn’t have to hold any. While this might make the application process easy, it will leave their child at a disadvantage once they are at college and have to manage their own semester schedule (and laundry) all by themselves. Sometimes asking a school adviser to take a more active role is a better alternative than the parents getting more involved in a process that is designed to help high school seniors individuate and separate from home.
You are in a marvelous position to help your patients remember that this process is about their education and is not a horse race. Indeed, it is one of their last chances to work on a very adult undertaking with concerned adults (parents, teachers) nearby. If their parents can focus on helping their children to manage the stress, keep perspective, develop a nuanced appreciation of their own wishes and abilities, and cultivate both their discipline and flexibility, then the college crucible could instead be a passage that builds maturity and resiliency while parents and children are still enjoying eating dinner around the same table.
Dr. Swick is an attending psychiatrist in the division of child psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, and director of the Parenting at a Challenging Time (PACT) Program at the Vernon Cancer Center at Newton Wellesley Hospital, also in Boston. Dr. Jellinek is a professor of psychiatry and of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, Boston. He is also chief of clinical affairs at Partners HealthCare, also in Boston. E-mail Dr. Swick and Dr. Jellinek at pdnews@elsevier.com.