Negotiation is important. A 30-year longitudinal study from the University of California, Berkeley, demonstrated that parents who managed to negotiate the rules with their children had more harmonious relationships with them later (New Dir. Child Adolesc. Dev. 2005;108:61–9). Often a dynamic arises in families where the parents are so generally annoyed with their teen that they reflexively answer, “No!” to any request. That can be really counterproductive when it comes to parenting adolescents. The first response should be: “Yes, if at all possible. Let's talk about it.”
I recommend that parents explicitly discuss the request using the following six points in deciding with the adolescent on their request. Posting these on the refrigerator and making discussing them a routine lets the teen know they are being taken seriously, slows the reflex to say “no,” and may help install them as a mantra in the teen's brain for future decision making:
Six Guides for Decision Making
1. Is it safe?
2. Is it legal?
3. Does it conflict with responsibilities?
4. Does it meet a developmental need?
5. Does it interfere with others?
6. Could it harm his/her development?
Anyone who's read “The Catcher in the Rye” (New York: Little, Brown and Co., 1951) by J.D. Salinger knows that teenagers are especially sensitive to hypocrisy. Parents often talk about the importance of being a moral person, but the teen is aware that they're cheating on their income taxes. They will reject their parents' moral code if they see them being hypocritical.
Clearly, the best way for the parent to encourage their offspring to uphold good moral standards is to actually live those standards 24/7. But almost everyone fails to live up to those standards from time to time, and if they're parents of an adolescent, the teen is sure to be right there when they do. Adolescents appreciate and learn from honesty when that happens. The parent could admit, “Yes, I know I said that you should never curse another driver, but I was so angry that I forgot my own rule.”
In these days of one- and two-child families, where parents often depend on their own children for friendship and companionship, it can be especially devastating to hear a teen say: “I hate you. You're the worst parents ever.” When that happens—and it's almost certain to happen, since it's the rare child who never utters such a sentiment—the parent's best response is not to rise to the bait of an angry teenager. They don't really mean it. And if the parent shows too much visible distress, or starts to punish them for saying those things, there won't be as much opportunity to recover. A simple “I am sorry you feel that way right now. I can see that you are really angry about [my decision, your curfew, what I said].”
And when the teen notices that the parent has not reacted to such provocation, that in itself is a valuable life lesson. The next time a street tough tosses off an insult, he'll be more likely to simply shrug his shoulders and walk away. For additional information on dealing with adolescents, the American Academy of Pediatrics maintains a particularly good collection of resources for parents at www.healthychildren.org