For a younger man just starting out, his wife has to have some sense of what he needs, and help him to feel adequate and hopeful. If she adds to his feelings of shame and worthlessness, the only answer – in his mind – is to turn on her.
The battering of women for centuries was seen as an acceptable form of behavior that supported patriarchy (Victimology: An International Journal 1978;2:426-42). Thankfully – in contemporary America – we vilify domestic violence and its perpetrators. However, despite the perpetrator’s shame and regret, too often, he cannot stop. Psychological factors drive him to continue his behavior. As psychiatrists, we must be aware that in every home in which domestic violence occurs, if there is a child who witnesses or hears it, he or she is traumatized.
Clearly, I believe that aggression is on a continuum. It also is a modality that has to change. First, parents worldwide have to stop the practice of beating their children. Second, I support a nationwide campaign aimed at stopping all bullying in schools. Finally, we have to find a way to get couples to talk before they get married. Such conversations will bring out aggressive tendencies held by either partner and should lead to a discussion about the kinds of changes needed for the pair to have a successful and respectful marriage.
Dr. Paul Fink is a consultant and psychiatrist in Bala Cynwyd, Pa., and professor of psychiatry at Temple University in Philadelphia.