Ongoing counseling
Over time, parents may consult you about specific situations that arise because of the divorce. For example, they may become frustrated by differences in how things are handled in the two households.
“The most important message to convey is that we can control only what we can control,” Dr. Bauer said. “Regardless of divorce or separation, kids thrive on structure and routine. Divorce is often messy, and it sometimes means that families have to find a new rhythm between households, but routines in each house should be as consistent as possible.”
Acrimony between the mother and father may persist or escalate. As children don’t want to have to choose between parents, parents should be encouraged not to undermine or talk negatively about each other in front of the child. If necessary, you can arrange to have time separately with parents to allow them to air their grievances.
If parents give permission to broach the topic of divorce, you can role model conversational strategies during visits. “You can say something like, ‘I understand there are a lot of changes going on. Through it all, your mom and dad will always be your parents. I know this isn’t easy for anybody, especially for you. Kids in this situation feel a lot of things from sadness to anger but know that you can always talk to me or your parents about your feelings,’” Dr. Bauer elaborated.
“Listening is key,” she stressed; therefore, parents should be encouraged to just sit in silence and let their children process their feelings. “In these types of situations, there’s no right or wrong: When the child has feelings, they have feelings. We can’t force them to feel a certain way, we have to acknowledge that. So tell parents to try this: ‘Thanks for telling me how you feel. I want you to know that you can always come to me when you feel this way.’ See what happens.”
Parents should be advised not to be too quick to dismiss their child’s concerns, Dr. Bauer recommended. “So, instead of saying, ‘Oh honey, you don’t have to worry about that, I’ll take care of it,’ try this: ‘It sounds like you are sad and upset right now. What can I do to help?’ Sometimes a kid will say, ‘I don’t know,’ but that’s okay. Then the parent can respond in kind and say, ‘I don’t know either, but how about a hug? Let’s start there.’ ”
Some kids simply aren’t talkers and shouldn’t be forced to share, she pointed out. This group can be given other ways to express their feelings, such as journaling, drawing, art, music, yoga, or writing a letter that they then throw away or put in a drawer.
Finally, “reminding parents that even giving children a little control with daily things – what they wear, how they do their chores, and homework, and what to make for dinner – can also help,” she noted. “Those little things can represent a lot for children who don’t feel like they have any control.”
Building resources
Explore various media and online tools to develop a set of resources on divorce for families, Dr. Bauer recommended.
Books on the topic can be great conversation starters, and many are available for various age-groups, she noted. Examples include “Was It the Chocolate Pudding? A Story for Little Kids About Divorce” (Washington: Magination Press, 2005) for ages 4-7 years, “Divorced but Still My Parents” (Longmont, Colo. : Springboard Publications, 1997) for ages 6-12 years, and “My Mom and Dad Don’t Live Together Anymore: A Drawing Book for Children of Separated or Divorced Parents” (Washington: Magination Press, 2002) for ages 8-12 years.
Sesame Street has a toolkit on divorce that offers printable materials, songs, and an app that features conversation starters and vignettes, according to Dr. Bauer; go to sesamestreet.org and type in “divorce.” Additionally, the documentary SPLIT at splitfilm.org follows real families going through divorce and helps show the child’s perspective.
When parents ask about legal references, they can be referred to the UpToParents website, a free resource and curriculum developed by attorneys on topics such as divorce, in both English and Spanish.
Finally, familiarize yourself with resources available in your local community, such as divorce education programs, and services offered for divorce and custody mediation, so that you can link parents to them as needed.
Dr. Bauer said she has no relevant financial disclosures.