The second set of stigmatizing remarks saw the stay-at-home father as violating traditional gender roles/norms or value systems. These responses reflect a general prejudice toward men who were in traditionally female roles.
Reluctant Pioneers
The reported number of stay-at-home fathers is not particularly large in a country the size of ours. Nonetheless, these men are very courageous. Not only have they lost their jobs and have wives who earn more than they. They now find themselves in the position of "usurping" the woman’s traditional role.
Many of the men in the study truly wanted to take on the caretaking role. They sought to have an influence on their children’s values and watch them grow. Others wanted to nurture their children in a way that was different from the way they were nurtured while growing up.
Another factor that pushed some men toward their decision was the high cost of day care. These fathers wanted to spend more time with their children during their formative years and apparently had the ego strength to do it.
These men have good egos. They know who they are, and are able to shrug off wisecracks about homosexuality and other insensitive remarks and innuendos that would undermine most men.
I have a patient who has a very bad case of post-traumatic stress disorder that is the result of burns he received while working for a gas company. The explosion happened more than 10 years ago. Still, my patient is unable to overcome his sense that he wasn’t man enough at the beginning when his partner, the man who caused the explosion, approached him in the hospital and implied that he should lie to the company about what happened. "I should have gotten out of bed and kicked his ass" is a sentence I’ve heard many times from this patient.
This is a man who could never be a stay-at-home father. His persona is too wrapped up in his being a man and doing the manly thing. On the other hand, the men in this study were able to say, "I saw this as an opportunity I couldn’t pass up," or "Past experiments suggested that I would be better than my wife at staying home," or, "My partner is less nurturing that I am when it comes to children." These are men who are able to put the children ahead of themselves while making a life-transforming decision – and feel good about it.
Assumptions of Outsiders
The assumption by outside onlookers that there must be something wrong with this man is one of the most difficult hurdles that the stay-at-home father will have to confront. Other men and women who are traditional in their thinking about male and female roles not only think something is wrong, but express their doubts to the stay-at-home father. This is why I feel that it takes a man with a strong ego to undertake this role.
Another factor that undermines stay-at-home fathers is institutionalized homophobia, which pervades much of America. Again, this issue is not raised in the report, but I suspect that given the extent to which heterosexual stay-at-home fathers challenge gender roles, many of them face hostility comparable to that experienced by their homosexual counterparts.
I know of a homosexual couple who decided to adopt two children from a foreign country. One of them quit his job and was the stay-at-home parent. The amount of love this couple showered on these children should have been the envy of most parents in the community. This was a no-brainer for them. They experienced all of the problems of any parents with 2- or 3-year-olds. I haven’t spoken to them in several years, but I’m curious about how they will handle the issues of adolescence with their children.
Being a nurturer is learned and an attribute that can be difficult to find in our society. In this age of reality shows, video games, and 24-hour news cycles, far too many adults – and children – want to hurt or undermine others. This is all the more reason to cherish these men, who are willing to submerge their own ambition and change their futures to provide their children with the nurturing they need to grow and mature. (Of course, women have been making these kinds of sacrifices for years, but that’s a topic for another time).
One of the sad findings of this study was the feelings of lack of support that the stay-at-home fathers experienced, exacerbated by the stigma. When a stigma-related event took place in a playground, for example, the stay-at-home father found himself isolated and alone. The participants’ responses regarding stigma highlight the importance of helping stay-at-home fathers, addressing stigmatizing responses from others, and coping with isolation or rejection in settings that might have been considered the domain of stay-at-home mothers. Here is a place where the strength of the marriage might be tested. It is essential for the working wife to support the stay-at-home father and help him deal with the ignorant prejudices that lead to these remarks. If you are a psychiatrist consulted to help a couple in the throes of making such a decision, this is a kind of advice that would prove to be powerful and useful.