Parents also might keep these important values in mind as they are helping their older children choose extracurricular activities or apply for summer jobs. While their children are considering what is most interesting to them, what will "look good" on a college application, or how to make the most money, parents might keep in mind how important values, such as empathy, generosity, bravery, discipline, or patience might be nurtured by the various experiences. Ultimately, these will be their teenager’s choices to make, but parents can still have a powerful influence by showing an interest and highlighting the importance of principles beyond dollars or college ambitions.
Emphasizing the potency of modeling treasured values does not mean that parents shouldn’t also talk about these values and even mixed feelings as they approach difficult, value-laden decisions in their own lives. What matters is how such values are discussed. Praise is powerful, and it appears that when parents praise a child’s character, it is even more powerful than when they praise a behavior. This is especially true for younger children (6- to 12-year-olds), when children lightly try on many different behaviors but are considering the kinds of people they wish to be. Likewise, when children fail to live up to their parents’ values, it is effective for parents to share their disappointment, but they should take care not to shame their children, which leave children feeling discouraged and powerless to change.
Beyond praise and reproach, when parents talk openly and with curiosity about these complex, nuanced topics, and genuinely listen to their children’s questions, thoughts, and opinions about them, they are communicating that their child’s thinking, feelings, and character are valued. Parents should look for opportunities to discuss values one step removed from their children. They could discuss characters’ choices in a movie or book, issues faced by their or their children’s friends, challenges managed by a celebrated athlete or celebrity or even events in a reality television show they have watched together. With these conversations, they are helping their children nurture their own ideas about values and demonstrating genuine confidence that their children can develop their own opinions about such complex matters. They also contribute to a climate in which their children appreciate that values should be carefully considered and may evolve over time. These conversations will be most helpful as their teenagers become more autonomous and face choices on their own in late high school, college, and young adulthood. They will build a strong foundation on which their children will gradually construct their own considered, individual value system, one they can reflect upon and modify over their lifetime.
Dr. Swick is an attending psychiatrist in the division of child psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, and director of the Parenting at a Challenging Time (PACT) Program at the Vernon Cancer Center at Newton Wellesley Hospital, also in Boston. Dr. Jellinek is professor of psychiatry and of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, Boston. E-mail them at pdnews@frontlinemedcom.com.