"I’ve been in business for 25 years and I know when I’m not being treated right," her husband stormed in the background. My patient didn’t like the way his phone calls had been fielded. I wondered if the mafia has customer service representatives. Do they put you on hold and make you listen to recorded messages? "All of our assassins are assisting other callers. Your call is very important to us, please stay on the line." He thought that his wife’s condition should guarantee her immediate care. I tried to explain that our office was ill equipped to deal with acute emergencies. In a convoluted way it was a compliment that he thought Dr. God’s office was the best place to bring his breathless wife, but in reality, it was just pig-headed and stupid. He didn’t buy my arguments. He warned me that I didn’t want to see him lose his temper, and he reminded me about his tattoo.
He didn’t mention it, but I recalled that I once had him take his boots off, so I could check his arthritic feet. Something shiny in the bottom of his boot caught my eye. I thought he had metal orthotics in his shoes, but he corrected me politely, and told me that the shiny object was a gun. I thought it might be quite impractical to make a fast draw for a gun concealed in the bottom of a tall boot, but what do I know about guns? I’m a good little rheumatologist, and always very curious, but I wouldn’t want that to be my epithet, so I stifled my curiosity, and I didn’t ask for a demonstration.
Dr. Greenbaum is a rheumatologist who practices in Greenwood, Ind. You may reach him at rhnews@elsevier.com.