In some couples, each partner figures out how to frustrate the other. And so, while still proposing love, the need to hurt takes precedence. In a similar fashion, the school bully plans his attack before he even starts out for school. Almost every adolescent arrested has the word "assault" among the charges that are brought to the court. It seems to start early, and I have for many years thought that we would reduce youth violence and youth murder if we could reduce the fighting, hitting, and hurting that takes place in 2nd, 3rd, and 4th grade. These early elementary school years are the training ground.
Some boys don’t even learn to talk to peers about issues or problems. In a similar fashion, husbands don’t talk to their wives when they are frustrated or unhappy. I believe the feelings precede the hitting and hurting of their wives. We often ask why they can’t just sit down and discuss the issue with their wives. And what I hear as a response is to blame the woman who "doesn’t listen to them," "thinks she is always right," and so on. The wife’s chatter, which always contains some criticisms of the husband as far as he’s concerned, further infuriates him. Often, that chatter triggers the first punch.
It’s clear that I believe we do not need blood tests or MRIs to understand what leads to bullying and domestic violence. They are related. Inherent in this connection is the training the boy gets in developing anger and hatred. Children who are brutalized in their homes are very angry about it. They need love; instead, they get hurt. Their response is to hurt others. They are filled with anger toward a parent – to whom they cannot retaliate. So the boy’s career as a bully starts.
Bullying is always related to a power differential, just like a big daddy and a little son. They have to find someone smaller, weaker, and who isn’t going to try to retaliate. The bullying continues for many years. In violent relationships in which the two people get married, the man is all set for domestic violence and marital rape (Trauma Violence Abuse 2003;4:228-46). And when we take a close look at bullying, we see that these perpetrators often were victims themselves.
How the Data Stack Up
A study on bullying among middle and high school students in Massachusetts in 2009 found that the adjusted odds ratios for middle school students being physically hurt by a family member were 2.9 for victims, 4.4 for bullies, and 5 for bully-victims. For witnessing violence in the family, those ratios were 2.6, 2.9 and 3.9, respectively after adjusting for potential difference by age group, sex, and race/ethnicity (MMWR 2011;60:465-71).
For high school students being physically hurt by a family member the ratios were 2.8 for victims, 3.8 for bullies, and 5.8 for bully-victims, and for witnessing violence in the family 2.3, 2.7 and 6.8 respectively. "As schools and health departments continue to address the problem of bullying and its consequences, an understanding of the broad range of associated risk factors is important for creating successful prevention and intervention strategies that include involvement by families," the authors wrote.
These associations between getting bullied and becoming a bully also were found several years ago, in a comprehensive report undertaken by the U.S. Secret Service and the U.S. Department of Education ("The Final Report and Findings of the Safe School Initiative: Implications for the Prevention of School Attacks in the United States," Washington: 2002). The report, described as "the culmination of an extensive examination of 37 incidents of targeted school violence that occurred in the United States from December 1974 through May 2000," found that " almost three-quarters of the attackers (in the school shootings) felt persecuted, bullied, threatened, attacked, or injured by others prior to the incident." In fact, the report says that many of the attackers in the school shootings "told of behaviors that, if they occurred within the workplace, likely would meet legal definitions of harassment and/or assault."
Role of Psychiatry in Reversing Trends
In our work, we need to help a child feel included, not excluded; loved, not dominated; and have a true understanding that "real men" don’t have to win every battle. A man has to come away with a feeling of some power, some ability to succeed, because if he doesn’t, he will lose self-esteem, feel worthless, and get depressed.
I’ve seen numerous older men who come into psychotherapy with feelings of defeat. These are men have lived lives of great success, and now the world is passing them by. All the things that used to matter are no longer exciting or available to them. And, for them, the relative loss of power is excruciatingly painful. They feel that no one understands them. These men are beyond domestic violence, but the underlying factors and needs are still burning brightly within them.