Along a similar vein, grandparents may enter the home of their new grandchild with passionately held religious beliefs. While few of these may have direct medical implications for the new baby (such as circumcision), they can still have profound implications for life in the family’s home. When parents and grandparents all share the same religious beliefs, there is less possibility of conflict. But when new parents come from different religious traditions or no longer share their parents’ faith, there is high potential for emotionally charged differences. And if the new parents have not anticipated these conversations (say, whether or not to circumcise a baby boy when one parent is Jewish and the other is Protestant), trying to sort out these matters while also learning to change diapers or nurse a colicky baby can make a challenging situation into an overwhelming one.
Lastly, about 1% of all households have same-sex partners or marriages and about one in four are raising children. While same-sex parenthood has rapidly gained cultural acceptance over the past decade, it is possible that some grandparents will not have fully accepted the reality of their own child’s sexual orientation and committed relationship. If the parents speak to you about such a fraught situation, listen supportively. When it sounds like there is ambivalence in the grandparents, the new parents can try to nurture the love that is there and be patient when their own parents still struggle. They should nurture the connections with those in their families that offer unconditional support and who can model love and acceptance for the new grandparents. In situations in which there is deeper alienation and little or no contact, offer that they might want to find a way to share photos and stories through one who remains close to their parents and periodically offer opportunities to rebuild relationships. A new grandchild can be a loving moment to take a fresh look at unresolved anger and loss, and as clinicians we have seen families resolve differences as they look to a new baby’s future.
Pediatricians are in a unique position of both neutrality and authority with their new patient’s parents and grandparents. When parents come to a newborn check or well-baby check, it can be invaluable to determine “who else is helping you?” After finding out about nursing or feeding the baby and about sleep, inquire about where they are getting any guidance or support. Friends or siblings with children? Books or websites? Grandparents? What has been helpful and what has not? When you hear about grandparents and see an eye-roll or hear a deep sigh, be curious about what has been helpful and what has been challenging. It is vitally helpful to first-time parents to be validated in their feeling that their own parents are a valuable resource, but not without their challenges.
While it may be important to offer a “medical” opinion about certain matters (back-sleeping, cosleeping, and introducing solids, for example), on most matters, the pediatrician’s role will be to help parents set a framework that will help them to cultivate what is precious and helpful from grandparents while minimizing conflict or unnecessary stress. For new parents, this may be as simple as reminding them that while this is an vital time for the baby’s development, it is also a big transition for them into parenthood and a significant transition for their parents or in-laws into grandparenthood. Help the new parents to understand that there is sometimes no one “right” way to handle certain decisions or challenges, and they will have to try a variety of strategies before finding the one that fits them as parents to this particular child. Remind them that parenting is a learning curve and it is common to feel stressed in new territory with high stakes. But they will find the right rhythm with being attuned to their new baby and eventually managing routines and limits. They are allowed to embrace the support that they find helpful and limit that which they experience as deeply undermining, dismissive, or judgmental.
When you notice that parents sound very angry at or alienated from grandparents, particularly when it is causing some marital conflict, it can be powerful for you to suggest that they should sort out their wishes and beliefs as parents first and then find a clear and loving way to communicate these to the grandparents. Remind them that they are becoming the experts on their children and that they will best be able to set appropriate routines and expectations. But remind them also that grandparents are potentially a treasure to their grandchildren, beyond the help with laundry and meal preparation at the very start of a child’s life.