But I also learned more about myself than I expected to, including that I need to continually take care of myself. Otherwise, I will carry baggage with me wherever I am. And the contents of that baggage came as a surprise to me. Yes, I was dealing with loss in my immediate life—divorce, moving, etc—but I became aware that my earlier life experiences were impacting my current behaviors and relationships.
It was difficult for me to conceive that my loving parents, who had given me food and shelter, had neglected my emotional needs. I love my parents, but the resentments I uncovered during that first workshop startled me. I realized that, while they did not overtly teach me prejudice, their actions caused me to cultivate a general distrust of others. They would often say, “Don’t tell anyone.” I now understand that this cast others as untrustworthy and suspicious.
The memory that encapsulated this best for me was of one summer, when I returned home from traveling abroad and was unable to find my old toys (which were always in a large cardboard box in our garage). My parents didn’t have any explanation for where they had gone. I continued to search the garage for years, literally, not understanding how the toys had disappeared. It was only many years later, when the subject of the toys came up in a conversation with my mother, that she replied, nonchalantly, “Oh, your father threw them out.” It’s no wonder I had issues with trust!
I often hear people say, “I just want to forget about what happened to me,” “I don’t want to think about my past,” or “I buried all that old stuff.” But if I learned one thing from these workshops, it’s that life experiences do not stay buried. I carry the effects of my experiences around with me without being conscious of it. The workshop taught me how to acknowledge my grief and loss and work on becoming more emotionally available. I learned that it is OK to be angry about my parents’ behavior and to express my emotions about it, while still loving my parents very much. Acknowledging these suppressed emotions and the effects they had on my life has helped me to grow and move forward.
By the time the workshop ended, I had recognized just how much anxiety, anger, fear, and stress I was carrying. I started to understand how to “unpack” this extra weight. Although I was exhausted as I left the workshop, I also felt much less stressed and lighter.
Continue to: Some of the changes I've made ...